Missing her

I mentioned a couple of times before that I do not carry the same flair in writting blogs as Shandy. However, in my attempt to keep this blog updated I will try my best.

The last few days was like a dream that I could not wake up from. I was telling some of Shandy's friends that I had yet to sit with my parents to consolidate and reason what had actually happened. And in the midst of the wake services, there were some misunderstandings between friends and family. Everyone wanted the best for Shandy. Without elaborating, I guess you will understand what exactly I mean.

Sad as I may be, please do not sympathise. On reading the postings my sis made, never once she pity herself. It was her strength, determination and sense of humour that kept her going.

While I recall the events that happened over the last 2 weeks, I would like to mention my sis's "just do it" spirit. Shandy became slightly disillusion while she was in hospital. Her mind was very active still but she could not express clearly what she wanted. Her speech slowly became unclear too. However, her statements "Let's do it" and "Let's go" were the clearest of all. We never had to second guess what she wanted once she made those statement.

She still made her own decisions while in the hospital. She will "command" us on when she would like to take pill A or which position she wanted to sit. Yes, she was still managing us in her own way.

There are many other scenarios that were distinctively "Shandy". I will share more with you soon.

Lastly, I would like to thank my relatives, friends and even neighbours for coming by to the wake to give my parents the encouragement. Thanks~~~

Edmund

Thank you....

Dear Friends and Family,

During this tough time that we are facing, we received great amount of support and condolences from you.

Shandy is a brave girl and we are sure she had found her way to the Lord's arms. My dad dreamt of her last night. She told my dad she had no pains and she is happy at where she is right now.

We will be sending her to Mandai Crematorial on Tuesday at about 11.45am (leaving from Mt Vernon). Transport will be provided if you wish to accompany her.

Thankyou for the generous support.

Edmund and Family.

Shandy was called home to the lord.....

Shandy passed away this morning. We were all beside her when she left us peacefully.

Her wake is at Mt Vernon Parlour 1.
From 26/12/2008 - 30/12/2008.

Jie, I love you very much. I will certainly miss you.

Edmund Sim
(M) 90051623

Positive Energy

Just taking this opportunity to talk about this positive energy that i learnt recently.

Energy is something very mysterious. Although it cannot be describe by a scientific formlua, we know it is there.

We have heard many times that happy people are less prone to falling sick.
When you meet someone who is ill tempered by nature, you feel negative too.

that is why i encourage all friends to put on a bright smile when you visit Shandy.

She can and we can all feel the positive energy

A Request

Hi Friends of My Sis,

recently i met a friend, Lye Hock, he told me about using positive energy to create miracles.

With this new found knowledge, i only have some simple requests:

1. When you visit Shandy, please put on a bright smile.
2. Remain positive.
3. Have a normal conversation with her.
4. Wear VERY bright colours.
5. No Solemn looks.

As simple as that.

and finally, i found Shandy's password for the blog. I am able to approve comments from now on.
SO KEEP POSTING THOSE WELL WISHES....

thanks

Edmund

Bad, bad, bad....

Hi everyone,

My apologies for not updating this blog as often as I would want to.

Over the last 1 month, Shandy’s condition deteriorated. The cancer cells had spread to more parts of the body. The doctor was not very optimistic of her situation and requested the family to be mentally prepared. We had sought a second opinion and the TCM doctor concurred.

We had not told Shandy specifically, however i am sure she knew about it.

She is currently in Mt E hospital.

- Edmund

An Update....

Hi everyone!

this is not shandy, but we're updating on her behalf :)

Firstly, she's feeling generally fine. She's been to Mount Elizebeth very recently for treatment. Well, to cut it short, her cancer cells have spread - however she's changed her doctor and is now in very good hands. 3 packets of blood later she's back home and in even better hands. Genie's hands in fact at the moment with a good massage and rub down.

She'll need lots of rest and prayers. And chill - all is good and complaining about Edmund nagging.

Radioactive girl's body has been attacked.

Been almost a week since my last post.

My body has been aching all week. My left leg, my ribcage, the back of my neck, my back, my arms, especially my chest. The aches are unbearable. I blame it on my sleeping posture. My sleeping posture is limited because of the tube that is attached to my left kidney. I can only lie on my sides. No ointment or medicine seems to work. I was told I can also blame this on the Radiotherapy. The effects will only go off in about 3 months.

Why is it that everytime I post that I'm getting better, I fall sick the next day? I think it's a taboo.

25 Sept 2008

I went for a CT scan on Monday. The results will be out by tomorrow. Doc gave an indication that the tumour has gone slightly smaller. Well, I'm happy as long as it has not grown. The tumour at the pelvic is rather massive, I do not expect it to disappear overnight. It will take some time. The details (dimensions) of the scan will be out tomorrow.

I've been well. I'm slowly gaining my energy back. I've been walking and sitting (rather than lying in bed). Good news! I'm off diapers! I'm finally in control of my bladder.. :) No more nappy rash!

Things are looking bright. Its going to be brighter if I can remove the urine bag. I'm going to see the urologist in mid October. Hopefully it can be removed.

My Early Menopause

Now that my ovaries arent working anymore, I am officially menopausing. I am most probably your youngest menopausing friend.

Menopause is a lot worst than PMS. I suffer from hot flushes and mood swings, mostly in the night. I will wake up in the middle of the night soaked in sweat and be in tears. I hate being wet. I am behaving like a spoilt baby (which I have little control over). I wonder how my mum and aunt tolerates my nonsense.

If your mum or someone close is menopausing, do spare a thought for them. It is certainly not easy to go through the period.

14 Sept 2008

I was given 3 pints of blood on Wednesday. The most I have gotten, usually its just 1 or 2 pints. My blood count is now 10.7. It was 6.6 before the transfusion. Doc says the RT treatment caused the low blood count. The machine was beaming on my bone marrow.

Having enough blood really makes a difference. I can now walk up to my bedroom (3rd storey) without stopping on the second floor for a break.

I'm feeling better though I have lost a bit more weight. I have been eating but I cant eat much at a time. I think my stomach has shrunk. I try to eat more often.

I've been trying to walk around the house. My legs are very weak because I havent been using them. I have been lying in bed 24/7 . They are extremely wobbly when I walk. I'd better exercise more often or I will have to go for physiotherapy.

9 Sept 2008

Went to see Doc yesterday. The pus condition has improved. Thank God! There is less pus and its drying up fast. Doc says the pus culture shows that it is just a skin infection. I would like to thank everyone who were praying for me on this matter.

My diaper condition has not improved. Doc says these are the effects of RT. It will take a couple of weeks. I'm such a big baby. My aunt (who has came back from Australia just to look after me) changes my diaper every few hours. Some of you might remember that my aunt looked after me when I was 2 till I went to kindergarten.

I will be admitting to the hospital today. My blood count is all time low at 6.6. That explains my paleness and weakness. I need to stay in for blood transfusion. Just for 1 day.

Over the past months, I've developed a phobia for needles. There was once, I was poked 6 times just to get the IV plug fixed. It wasnt because of inexperienced nurses/docs. My veins has grown very thin, some of them has collapsed. Therefore, it is very difficult to fix IV plugs. I dont want to be poked anymore.

4 Sept 2008

This morning, I found pus on my back , at the entry of tube to my kidney. Pa rush me to the hospital to change the dressing.

This is not good news . I've been warned about having any infections where the tube is.

Doc says we monitor the discharge, if there's more , I'm in trouble. One possible action will be to change the tube . That means going through the whole kidney procedure again ! !

God save me.

Pis

sorry. condition has not improved, any remedies?

Last bit

Dr Tang suggested one additional brachy session
.it will be ok .

The Finishing Line

By noon tomorrow, I would have completed my final brachy.

As usual, I'll be sleeping beauty for at least 2 full days . The "drug" that is used to sedate me is rather strong. After each session, I can hardly recall any events that happened. While the drug relaxes my body, my bladder is not spared. My mum and aunt had put me in these amazingly huge diapers. I totally hate them. Not that I don't have a choice about wearing them . I can live in the loo. Haha

Sorry, no visitors till bladder's in good working condition.

Make me zzz

The second and third brachy was more tolerable because I asked to be sedated for the procedure. Dr Tang totally overly estimated my tolerance.

Dr Tang, thanks for being so gentle with me . It doesn't hurt when I wake up.

Doc ordered loads of rest this weekend and suggested no visitors .

Scary Brachy

Yesterday was my first session of Brachy. I am still trying to recover from the trauma. I dont think I can post details of the treatment as it will either make your cringe or "flag" this blog. All I will share is it involves 3 metal L-shape rods (about 20cm long) and tons of discomfort. It took 3 hours. I wonder if giving birth is easier.

I came out of the treatment in total shock. I couldnt cry out. I just sat there with my mum. Pale.

I got 4 more sessions to go. I hope it gets easier.

This is the last lap. This is the last lap. This is the last lap.

17 August 2008

25 down, 9 to go.

Been Chemo girl again. It's become a routine. I will feel quite well right after chemo and the effects come in after 3 days. This time round, I'm not so tired. Things were alright except for last night. I had chronic stomach spasms again. It feels like my intestines were going to explode. You should know by now that I have very low tolerance for anything that has got to do with my stomach.

I have lost another 2 kg over the past couple of days. The Livestrong band (Youth Size) that I've been wearing now hangs midway on my forearm. If only weight loss was so easy when I was healthy.

Brachy starts tomorrow. I'm not thinking about it. Just take it in stride. If it got to hurt, I will just have to bear with it. The pain will go away eventually.

P.S. Some comments got deleted accidentally. Sorry.

Vanity

23 down, 11 to go.

Went to see the doc today. He emphasized that the Brachytherapy is a SAFE and SIMPLE treatment. He told me not to worry too much about it. Painkillers will be on standby.

He wants me to go for 1 more chemo next week (i tot my last one was yesterday). He says it will be good for me.

He examined me and told me that my tumour in the cervix seems to have strunk, it doesnt seem to protrude from my cervix anymore.

I'm feeling well today, I drove myself to the hospital. I havent drove for a month. I really miss driving.

I even went for Manicure and Pedicure.

I think I'm getting well, cos Miss Vanity has returned. :)

Weight Loss

I lost 7.5 Kg over last week. 3 Kg was water retention from the Chemo and 4.5Kg of mass. (Doc says its normal to lose 10-15% of my weight during the treatments. Weight loss usually comes towards the end.)

Am waiting for Marie France Slimming Centre to endorse me. hehehe

Brachytherapy

22 down 12 to go.

Next week, I will be starting on Brachytherapy. There are 6 sessions in total and is p art of the Radiotherapy programme. This is the toughest part of the course. All these while, the RT involves just external beaming, but Brachytherapy will beam internally. My cervix will be expanded (info: a woman's cervix will expand only during childbirth.) Doc says it will be rather uncomfortable but he promises that all treatments will be "humane".

Frankly, I dread Brachytherapy, but this is the last lap and I must complete it. I did my last chemo yesterday. I must get well soon. I miss my independence.

My Pain

Life with the "IT" bag is not as easy as it seems to be. Besides emptying the bag regularly, the discomforts that come with it is plentiful. Though it has been 2 weeks since the procedure, my back still hurts. I cant sit up for too long as it tugs. So, lying down all day is a good choice.

When I drink water, I can almost feel the "suction". It is very uncomfortable. I wonder if half the water I drink gets processed by the left kidney or its a different ratio. I get stomach spasms too. Got to stick with this bag for another 2 months. The next review with the urologist is in Oct.

R-Rated
RT has burnt the insides of my rectum. I cant find a word to describe the pain. All I can say is that every trip to the loo leaves me in tears. Really got to "tar han". Hope this is the darkest of my journey.

Everybody stay healthy.

Zzzzzz

20 down 14 more to go

I've been Chemo girl for the past few days. My energy level is all time low. I've been sleeping, waking up just for the loo and RT. I've lost my appetite too.

Things will get better, right?

Home Sweet Home

17 down, 17 more to go. (I've completed half of it! Yay!)

"The longer you stay in hospital, the more faults the docs will find on you. Better get out soon. " Anonymous

I'm home, finally. I've been in hospital for 2 weeks. This is the longest stay since. I've even spent my Big 3 birthday in the hospital. The bill came up to $13,000. I've spent almost $40,000 on this nightmare. I'm so glad that my bank will be paying part of the expenses. Medical expenses are getting really expensive these days, I had to pay almost $1300 for being a pin cushion, each time they fix the intervenous plug, it costs $55 (excluding the price of the plug which is $25). Better load up your critical illness insurance.

I'm feeling good today. No fever, no pains, nothing. Just kinda bloated (3Kg) from the yesterday's chemo. There's an improvement, I put on 4 Kg in the last chemo. Maybe it's gonna be just 2Kg next week. Fingers crossed.

I will be getting well soon. I cant wait to take a holiday. My friends will know that if I werent sick, I will be in London/Paris now. I can even tell you where exactly I will be. My travelling routine is rather standard. I am such a habitual creature. I take the same route when I sight-see and stop to take pictures from the same locations. This is how much I love London and Paris. I'll be there 2 times next year to make up for the "missed" trip. :)

The "IT" Bag

16 down, 18 more to go

Sorry, I havent been posting for the past 4 days. I had to lie flat on my back to apply pressure on the part where they have inserted the tube to the left kidney. I took the opportunity to catch up on some sleep.

On Friday, the docs decided to remove the tube from the kidney since no infection was found in the kidney. The docs said that I had to do a scan to make sure that my ureter was not blocked by the tumour before the tube can be removed. (The ureter connects the kidney and the bladder). If my ureter is blocked, urine will be stuck at the kidney, causing it to swell and in time, fail. I dont wish to be caught buying myself a kidney from Indonesia.

When I was at the procedure room, the doc injected some liquids into the tube. I can feel my bladder and intestines filling up. It was extremely uncomfortable and I was hyperventilating. My ureter is indeed blocked my tumour and the tube cannot be removed. Docs had suggested putting a stem in the ureter to stop the blockage. But they said the chances of a successful procedure is only 50%. I have decided to not go ahead with the stem. I will live the tube and the urine bag (The "IT" Bag) till my tumour gets smaller (which wont be long).

My fever has gone off in the past few days. I had my chemo and RT today.

Am all ready to be discharged tomorrow. Home Sweet Home... Yay!!!!!

Kidneys

12 down, 22 more to go.

On Tuesday, I went for the dreaded kidney procedure. To make things worse, I was not sedated. I had only local anestheisa. I could feel every single thing that the urologist was doing to my kidney. From pushing in the long tube to puncturing the kidney ( It went PooP 3 times!). It was such an ordeal. I was shaking like a mad dog. The whole procedure took just 30 mins but it feels like hours.

The ordeal did not stop there. When the LA went off, the pain was excruciating. I had to cancel my RT session.

I cant wait to get home. I have been hospitalised for more than 10 days.

Its Spring Time on my head!

Little baby hairs has started to grow. And thank god, its not curly. :-)

I am real Hot!

I broke my all time fever record this morning. It went up to 40.4 degrees. The scary thing about this is that I dont feel it at all. Remember when we get our usual fever, we get bodyaches and all. I dont get any of it. Funny. I'm at 37.3 degrees now.

I have decided to proceed with the kidney procedure. But I have asked the docs to postpone it till Tuesday. I need time to cite myself up.

My last post seems like I'm behaving like a princess. Let me explain. Since I was admitted last Monday, the docs have been sending my blood, urine, poo to test for infection. None of the tests came back positive. So that leaves with 2 possibilities, kidney infection or tumour fever.

Now, here's my case. Firstly, the CT scan shows that the kidney is not infected. It is only sligthly swollen. Secondly, the urologist who came said that I look too well for someone who have an infected kidney. Lastly, there is a high possibility that it is just tumour fever ( which is common).

However, the docs need me to go for the kidney procedure before they can diagnose that it is indeed tumour fever. I find this rather ridiculous.

Fever

Yay! Edmund got me my broadband today. I can now blog anywhere, even in the hospital.

The past few days werent too good for me. I was admitted since monday for fever. My fever does not seem to go off. I had very bad chills before each fever. It feels really lousy when you cant control your body. The massive shaking/shivering lasts for at least 15 mins.

Docs could not find the cause of the fever. They suspect that my left kidney is swollen and accumulating stale urine. I will be going for this PCN proccedure on Monday. A tube will be inserted to my kidney to drain out the urine. I will have a packet of urine stuck to my back. :( I really do not want to go through this, but am not able to convince my family. 2nd opinion says I should go through it too. Guess I have no choice now.

25th July - Happy Birthday, Shandy

Shandy's Updates

Location: Still in NUH
Condition: Still the same
Visiting Hours: Doctor's order - limited - fear of infection

Rgds
Brother...

P.S I am getting my sis a mobile broadband so that she can publish her own postings.

Fans of Shandy please stay tune....

From Shandy's Brother

Hi Everyone, my sis is currently in NUH undergoing some tests and scans.
Don't worry she is doing fine and she is her cheerful self.

You may drop her a sms if you want to visit her.

Obviously I don't have the same flair as her in writing blogs, so I shall just end here. :)

Cheers

Edmund Sim

Taste Buds

My taste buds have gone cranky since the Chemo. It is rather hilarious. Expect the unexpected. Anything that still tastes like what it should be is such a blessing.

Here's a sample:
Watermelon Juice = Soy Sauce
Cranberry Juice = Soy Sauce
Orange Juice = Soy Sauce
Bak Kwa = Bittergourd
Apple = Bittergourd

Luckily M&Ms bitter chocolates, which are high in antioxidents (very good for me), tastes the same. Oh ya, ice-cream too. Yums. :)

20 July 2008

6 down, 28 more to go.

On Thursday, the side effects fr0m the Chem0 came knocking. I was nauseous, my hands were numb (chemo destroys nerve endings) and I had FEVER. Fever is a taboo for Chemo patients because of the risk of infection. According to the friendly guide to Chemotherapy folder, I have to be rushed to the A&E if my temperature goes above 38 degress. I was at 38.2 degrees. Edmund and my mum rushed me to the A&E at NUH . This is when the nightmare began.

We got there at about 10pm. The A&E was very crowded, comprised of family members, nurses and police officers. I think for every patient admitted to the A&E, there would be at least 5 family members tagging along.

I was pushed to the waiting area to be attended. Nevermind that I was only attended 4 hours later, the waiting area was filled with germs. Yeeks. My immunity was very low and it would be terrible if i were to catch any other infections. Everytime someone coughs around me, I will adjust my mask. This is how paranoid I was.

It didnt help that there werent any wards available at that time. Therefore, I spent the whole night at the waiting area, with the germs. I didnt sleep at all. It was too noisy. :(

Over the past few days, my temperature has gone haywire. I was either sweating pints or shivering. Well, at least the docs say that my fever is not due to any infection.

I was given another pack of blood and was sent home. :)

No more A&Es for me.

Fertility

4 down, 30 to go.

As my ovaries get BBQed away, let me take this time to share my thoughts on this topic.

It was not long ago that I told my PoPo (maternal granny) that when Mr Right comes along, I'll get married and give her great-grandchildren quickly (not just one, at least two). I am not getting younger anymore, I'd better do so before my reproductive system shuts down. I can imagine how much joy the little babies will bring to the whole family. To me, having babies completes a family.

Now that I've gone for 4 sessions of RT, this hope no longer holds. Having to preserve my eggs will mean delaying the treatments further and thus risking my life. Anyway, surrogacy is not legalised in Singapore.

I cant write the wonderful feelings of motherhood till I have experienced it myself. I can never call someone my flesh and blood.

Its funny how the world revolves, some furtile couples doesnt want children and those who cant have children prays day and night for one.

On a brighter note, a fortune teller told me that I will recover and get married. He said my husband will love me for who I am. We will not have any children, but adoption is an option.

Well, if my prince never finds his way up the stairs, I will fall back on my famous Spinsterhood fund (That's another story).

Radioactive Girl is having a Whale of a Time

3 down, 31 to go.

My younger but much bigger brother, Edmund (affectionately called Edmundy by me) told me that while he was serving his national service, he would count down to the Operationally-Ready date. A tough day that has gone by is one tough day less to come.

I weighed in this morning. I have put on 3.4kg within a day because of the chemo and steriods. I feel like a whale.

Finally, I understand how Edmundy feels. Let's whale together.. :) kekekekekeke...

Fear

Long texted me a good quote today.

"Fear is finding fault with the future. If only we could keep in mind of how uncertain our future is, then we would never try to predict what could go wrong. Fear ends there."

I have no fear because everyone is praying for me.

I take this recovery process in stride, why worry that tomorrow will be a day of nasty side effects when it can be perfectly fine.

I will get well. :)

Beginning of Radioactive Girl

I have started on my weekly chemos and daily radiotherapy (RT).

Radiotherapy
2 down, 32 more to go. The RT process is not painful, the side effects are.

The RT room is a very dark room with soothing music and pictures of fishes sponsored by fuji film (I'm not joking). In the middle of it, its where the huge machine stands. I have to lie flat on the platform while the radiologists will align my tatoos to beams. The tatoos were made last week by applying ink, then piercing my skin. They are tiny. When everyone's ready, the radiologist will leave the room and the machine will beam around me. It takes a couple of minutes.

Since the 2 sessions, I have been burning inside. The extend of the beam is rather big because of the size of my tumour. I finally undestand what it means by "A Pain in the Ass".

My fertility will be gone after 4-5 sessions of RT.

Chemotherapy
The chemo that I received today was a mild one. Thank god I have some good veins on the back of my hands. They were nutured from years of battling with the shopping bags. The drips took almost 5 hours today. It hurts when the speed of the flow is increased. And yes, I feel all bloated again.. Docs warned me that I will be very nauseous.

Once again, gotta "Tar Han". This is going to work.

I am a Fish

Remember my mum and Andy were looking out for numbers on my forehead?

The number came out! We saw 3910, and the number that came out was 1390.

My uncle was the only one that won.

Didnt know I am a Luo Han Fish.

hahahaha...

10 July 2008

Things are not going well for me. It seems like my condition has deteriorated. No one has promised that it is going to be a smooth ride.

My blood count was only 7.8. The healthy range is above 10. I had my 1st blood tranfusion on tuesday. Although my blood count is not up to mark yet, it is now at 9.5.

The CT scan shows that my tumor has grown by 1cm on all dimensions after the 1st chemo. It is now 8cm x 7cm x 6cm. This is not a good sign, the cancer cells have won the battle in Round 1. The 2nd chemo has been called off by the doctors.

I will start on the standard treatments from tomorrow. Daily radiotherapy (RT) and weekly chemo. Hopefully this works.

My apologies for the missed calls and smses. This is one episode that I do not want to keep repeating.

I have to move on and I will get well.

Hairy Issue

The hair's gone.

Barber Andy came by to shave for me. While it wasnt easy for me, I am sure it wasnt easy for him as well. I was crying while he shaved. It took a lot of guts to do it. Thank you so much. I am very happy that one of my closest friends did the task.

Andy and my mum were looking out for 4 digits on my scalp to buy lottery! Hey!

Jen and Gin came to cheer for me. They have found a new way to say hi, by rubbing my head...

I feel very ugly in my new do, but I know I must do it. My hair was falling all over the place and I didnt want to go through the trauma of seeing it fall. Anyway, how attractive can I look while going through chemo. The higher Morphine dosage makes me sleep all the time, therefore my face is perpetually swollen.

The little hairs left on my head have started to drop too. Therefore the "white" areas are growing bigger. Its like a globe with the continents getting smaller by the day.

It feels really weird being bald. I feel like I'm wearing a hat all the time. Its chilly when I dont cover up.

The good thing about this is that shampooing takes a couple of seconds and it dries almost instantly. Styling takes no effort. :)

I will be warded from tomorrow for my next chemo. I will be there for about 4 days. Wish me luck.

Dont cry for me

Dear Friends and Relatives,

Please do not be sad after reading my blog. This is not my intention. I am not sad. Life goes on.

This is just a tough patch for me. I will survive.

Sometimes, I even forget that I have cancer. :D

3 July 2008

Tuesday morning was bad. The pain on my abdomen has increased and spread to my back. It was so painful that I could barely lie down, sit or walk.

I called up NUH and was told to proceed to A&E. Luckily Aunty Judy managed to get my Oncologist to see me directly. Unless it is a life and death situation, the wait at the A&Es are usually very long.

I stayed in for 2 nights. The docs doubled my Morphine dosage from 2.5ml to 5ml. At night, I get 10ml. The pain is more or less controlled. I have not slept so much for years.

Good News! My kidneys and liver functions are fine. I have always been very paranoid about my kidneys because the doc says that the tumor on my pelvic is pressing against the ureter (that’s the tube that urine is stored). If it is blocked completely, they might have to puncture my left kidney.

However, my blood count is on the low side. She says that if it drops further, I will need transfusion. My mum is going to boil more liver soup for me. Hopefully, it will be within range when I go back to NUH on Monday.

My hair is everywhere. Every time I run my fingers through my hair, at least 5 strands will drop off. I have put all the strands beside my pillow and they are forming into huge clumps. They look like fur balls. My dear friends, Andy and Jen have volunteered to shave for me on Saturday. I will post the pics and videos.

Please do not worry for me when you hear that I am in hospital. It is going to be very common in the next few months. I am very well taken care of during my stays. I am good at pressing the buzzer.

30 June 2008

Chemo girl is not well today.

The pain on my lower abdomen has worsen in the past few days. My little soldiers are on afternoon shifts. I am usually well in the mornings.

Fatigue has been hittng me quite frequently. I find myself dozing off a few times a day.

My lower back hurts too. I pray that it has nothing to do with my kidneys.

My hair has started to drop. I'd better get it shaved soon before i see bald patches.

I think it will be worse when I have my next chemo on 9th July.

Still, the worse I feel during chemo, the better it is for me.

Gotta "Tar Han".

Bucket List

I had breakfast with Desmond on Saturday. Yes, I can sneak out, provided it's not a crowded place and not for too long. He showed me his Bucket List. It is a wish list of things that he would want to do before he "kicks the bucket". It was a good list.

I came back thinking I should write my own list as well. I think everyone should.

And so for 2 whole days, I've been thinking. The list is still empty. I must work at it.

Rapunzel

Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair, so that I may climb the golden stair.

I had always kept my hair long so that one day, my prince will climb up to my 3rd storey bedroom. Guess my prince will have to take the stairs instead.

My hair has been my crowning glory.

Since the doctor said that I will lose my hair during the chemo, I have decided to cut my hair. I had a bob. I look good in it. ;) I wanted to keep my hair to make a wig but I realised that it was far too little. I think I can only make a paint brush out of it.

When my hair starts to drop, I will have it shaved and become G.I. Jane. I dont want to go through the agony of seeing bunches of hair fall. So Andy will bring me to Sri Dewa when the time comes. Bring your camera along.

I've been trying to use a scarf to cover my hair to imagine how I will look shaved.

Enough said, the hair will grow back.

Becoming Chemo Girl

While most people dread going for the treatment, I was looking forward to it. The 2 weeks prior to the treatment was living hell for me. My body did not take the tests well, besides the nerve attacks, I had chronic stomach spasms, pain from 2 biopsies and drug allergy. I knew that once the chemo goes into my body, some of the pain will go away.

Its been 10 days since my first chemotherapy. I got to say that I am coping very well.

The chemo took 9 hours to complete. I had put on 4 kg within a day because of the steroids and chemo. The bloatedness made me feel extremely uncomfortable. Thank god, I lost it back.

As that was my first chemo, the side effects took about 5 days to visit. So far, the side effects are random, there are good days and bad days.

There is a constant pain on the left side of my abdomen. Its bearable most of the time, except for the odd occassions where the pain gets more intense. It feels like someone's sewing up my stomach, a needle piercing through and the thread pulling along. Nevertheless, this is the battle site.

My blood count is very low at the moment. My face and palms are pale. I get tired easily.

I get tremours and bodyaches too. The bodyaches are bad. Its like I've gone camping for a whole week. No massage will make it go away. I've tried applying Analgesic cream all over my body.

Hair loss will happen in about 2 weeks.

During this time, my immunity is close to zero. I have to avoid crowded places and people who arent well. If I fall sick, I will have to be admitted to the hospital.

Really, chemo isnt that scary. I have read up about the side effects and am prepared for it. I bought travel bands and ginger ale (for nausea), non-alcoholic mouthwash (for mouth sores), baby shampoo (for hair loss, yes, you need to use shampoo even when you do not have hair) and prune juice (for constipation).

Whatever the side effects for the day, I make sure my spirits are high. :)

Cancer and Me

On one of my initial visits to the Cancer Centre in NUH, I noticed that the cancer patients were all rather old. Most of them were old enough to be my grandparents. They were weak and frail.

I turned to my mum with a little self-pity and said, “Mee, I think I am the youngest patient around.”

Her reply was, “The cancer centre for kids is next door.”

My heart sank.

4 Days of Crying

When I was diagnosed, I cried everyday. 4 days to be exact.

On the first day, I cried because there was a huge mass on my pelvic.
I hoped that it would not be cancerous.

On the second day, I cried because it was cancerous.
I hoped that it has nothing to do with my womb.

On the third day, I cried because it was cervical cancer.
I hoped that I could still have children.

On the fourth day, I cried because I was told to forget about fertility.
I stopped hoping.

The Treatment

The standard treatments for Cervical Cancer are 6 cycles of weekly chemotherapy combined with 28 doses of daily radiotherapy.

For my case, doctors are concerned about the huge mass on my pelvic. I will be given 2 cycles of “Heavy Duty” chemotherapy 3 weeks apart before the standard treatment.

The “Heavy Duty” chemotherapy will cause hair loss. Damn!!!

The Discovery

It all started with an innocent ache on my left thigh in early April. I didn’t think much of it. I had just joined True Yoga and was going for as many lessons I could per week. I did Hot Yoga, Bollywood dance and Belly dancing. I thought it was just a strain and nothing that some analgesic cream would not chase away. The muscle ache slowly extended to my whole leg.

By mid May, my left leg started to swell and darkened. The pain was excruciating. I woke up a few times a night just to rub some ointment. I was so busy at work and I didn’t have time to see a doctor. When I finally had time to see a doctor, the doctor could not find the pulse on my leg and I was quickly referred to a specialist.

Initially, doctors suspected that I had Deep Vein Thrombosis. However, the Ultrasound showed nothing unusual. I was then sent for a CT scan. Doctors found a huge cancerous mass measuring 7 cm x 6 cm x 5 cm on my pelvic. As the mass was pressing on the nerves around the pelvic, it caused my leg to swell.

Over the next few days and after many tests, they found a smaller lump on my cervix measuring 2 cm x 3 cm.

On 4 June 2008, I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Cervical Cancer.

I was 29 years, 10 months and 9 days old.