30 June 2008

Chemo girl is not well today.

The pain on my lower abdomen has worsen in the past few days. My little soldiers are on afternoon shifts. I am usually well in the mornings.

Fatigue has been hittng me quite frequently. I find myself dozing off a few times a day.

My lower back hurts too. I pray that it has nothing to do with my kidneys.

My hair has started to drop. I'd better get it shaved soon before i see bald patches.

I think it will be worse when I have my next chemo on 9th July.

Still, the worse I feel during chemo, the better it is for me.

Gotta "Tar Han".

Bucket List

I had breakfast with Desmond on Saturday. Yes, I can sneak out, provided it's not a crowded place and not for too long. He showed me his Bucket List. It is a wish list of things that he would want to do before he "kicks the bucket". It was a good list.

I came back thinking I should write my own list as well. I think everyone should.

And so for 2 whole days, I've been thinking. The list is still empty. I must work at it.

Rapunzel

Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair, so that I may climb the golden stair.

I had always kept my hair long so that one day, my prince will climb up to my 3rd storey bedroom. Guess my prince will have to take the stairs instead.

My hair has been my crowning glory.

Since the doctor said that I will lose my hair during the chemo, I have decided to cut my hair. I had a bob. I look good in it. ;) I wanted to keep my hair to make a wig but I realised that it was far too little. I think I can only make a paint brush out of it.

When my hair starts to drop, I will have it shaved and become G.I. Jane. I dont want to go through the agony of seeing bunches of hair fall. So Andy will bring me to Sri Dewa when the time comes. Bring your camera along.

I've been trying to use a scarf to cover my hair to imagine how I will look shaved.

Enough said, the hair will grow back.

Becoming Chemo Girl

While most people dread going for the treatment, I was looking forward to it. The 2 weeks prior to the treatment was living hell for me. My body did not take the tests well, besides the nerve attacks, I had chronic stomach spasms, pain from 2 biopsies and drug allergy. I knew that once the chemo goes into my body, some of the pain will go away.

Its been 10 days since my first chemotherapy. I got to say that I am coping very well.

The chemo took 9 hours to complete. I had put on 4 kg within a day because of the steroids and chemo. The bloatedness made me feel extremely uncomfortable. Thank god, I lost it back.

As that was my first chemo, the side effects took about 5 days to visit. So far, the side effects are random, there are good days and bad days.

There is a constant pain on the left side of my abdomen. Its bearable most of the time, except for the odd occassions where the pain gets more intense. It feels like someone's sewing up my stomach, a needle piercing through and the thread pulling along. Nevertheless, this is the battle site.

My blood count is very low at the moment. My face and palms are pale. I get tired easily.

I get tremours and bodyaches too. The bodyaches are bad. Its like I've gone camping for a whole week. No massage will make it go away. I've tried applying Analgesic cream all over my body.

Hair loss will happen in about 2 weeks.

During this time, my immunity is close to zero. I have to avoid crowded places and people who arent well. If I fall sick, I will have to be admitted to the hospital.

Really, chemo isnt that scary. I have read up about the side effects and am prepared for it. I bought travel bands and ginger ale (for nausea), non-alcoholic mouthwash (for mouth sores), baby shampoo (for hair loss, yes, you need to use shampoo even when you do not have hair) and prune juice (for constipation).

Whatever the side effects for the day, I make sure my spirits are high. :)

Cancer and Me

On one of my initial visits to the Cancer Centre in NUH, I noticed that the cancer patients were all rather old. Most of them were old enough to be my grandparents. They were weak and frail.

I turned to my mum with a little self-pity and said, “Mee, I think I am the youngest patient around.”

Her reply was, “The cancer centre for kids is next door.”

My heart sank.

4 Days of Crying

When I was diagnosed, I cried everyday. 4 days to be exact.

On the first day, I cried because there was a huge mass on my pelvic.
I hoped that it would not be cancerous.

On the second day, I cried because it was cancerous.
I hoped that it has nothing to do with my womb.

On the third day, I cried because it was cervical cancer.
I hoped that I could still have children.

On the fourth day, I cried because I was told to forget about fertility.
I stopped hoping.

The Treatment

The standard treatments for Cervical Cancer are 6 cycles of weekly chemotherapy combined with 28 doses of daily radiotherapy.

For my case, doctors are concerned about the huge mass on my pelvic. I will be given 2 cycles of “Heavy Duty” chemotherapy 3 weeks apart before the standard treatment.

The “Heavy Duty” chemotherapy will cause hair loss. Damn!!!

The Discovery

It all started with an innocent ache on my left thigh in early April. I didn’t think much of it. I had just joined True Yoga and was going for as many lessons I could per week. I did Hot Yoga, Bollywood dance and Belly dancing. I thought it was just a strain and nothing that some analgesic cream would not chase away. The muscle ache slowly extended to my whole leg.

By mid May, my left leg started to swell and darkened. The pain was excruciating. I woke up a few times a night just to rub some ointment. I was so busy at work and I didn’t have time to see a doctor. When I finally had time to see a doctor, the doctor could not find the pulse on my leg and I was quickly referred to a specialist.

Initially, doctors suspected that I had Deep Vein Thrombosis. However, the Ultrasound showed nothing unusual. I was then sent for a CT scan. Doctors found a huge cancerous mass measuring 7 cm x 6 cm x 5 cm on my pelvic. As the mass was pressing on the nerves around the pelvic, it caused my leg to swell.

Over the next few days and after many tests, they found a smaller lump on my cervix measuring 2 cm x 3 cm.

On 4 June 2008, I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Cervical Cancer.

I was 29 years, 10 months and 9 days old.